


Nothing's Fair in Love and War...and V8

by SeahorseTrash



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Crack, Derse and Prospit, Gordon Ramsay - Freeform, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Parody, Silence of the Lambs References, Spoilers, Why Did I Write This?, jane is the real antagonist, lamb sauce - Freeform, little mermaid crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 08:26:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10486518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeahorseTrash/pseuds/SeahorseTrash
Summary: "Nothing’s Fair in Love and War...and V8" is a hella rad tale of heroes and stupidity, narrated by everyone’s favorite pair of scalene triangles, the Auto-Responder, broadcasting live from Jane’s computer!--This is basically just a crack summary of "Nothing's Fair in Love and War" in celebration of the one year anniversary of the first chapter, so you may want to read that before venturing into the second level of hell...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Nothing's Fair in Love and War](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6304045) by [SeahorseTrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeahorseTrash/pseuds/SeahorseTrash). 



> So I realized that this was technically supposed to go up last Monday to be an accurate one year anniversary, but honestly, I don't care so take this little treat until I come out with something new.

Listen up you little shits. This is the story all about how Dirk’s life got flipped, turned upside-down, and I’d like to take a minute—just sit right there. I'll tell you how Dirk became a disgrace to his family name, and to myself, because I am superior to that anime Romeo wannabe in every way.

Who am I, you ask?

Looks like _somebody_ didn't read the fucking summary. What are you, an idiot sandwich?!

_“Nothing’s Fair in Love and War...and V8’ is a hella rad tale of heroes and stupidity, narrated by everyone’s favorite pair of scalene triangles, the Auto-Responder, broadcasting live from Jane’s computer!”_

There, now you illiterate pieces of shit know what's up. Gather around the campfire, all ye hormonal pre-teens; grab some burnt popcorn and roll out that humble futon; it's story time, bitch.

Once upon a time, there was Prince named Dirk. He did not live in a castle, nor did he strive to one day marry a beautiful princess. Dirk was no ordinary Prince, you see. He was the Prince of Heart, a merciless Dersite villain subsiding in the slums of Detroit. The Prince was Santa Clause’s worst nightmare—he had completely exhausted the coal supply by the time he was thirteen.

In case you're a bit slow on the uptake, I'm implying that Dirk, the Prince, is one of the bad guys.

Dirk was a really bad boy. We’re talking _Bad To The Bone_. On the day he was born, the nurses all gathered around, and they gazed in wide wonder at the joy they had found. The head nurse spoke up and said, “Leave this one alone.” She could tell right away that he was bad to the bone.

_B-b-b-b-b-bad._

George Thorogood & The Destroyers had nothing on him.

Jake, the Page of Hope, on the other hand...Well, Jake was a really _good_ boy. One the day he checked out of _Hotel Placenta_ , Prospit blew a fuse ‘cause that shit was so bright. Like a fuckin’ Green Sun supernova.

Sorry, I mean, **GREEN SUN**.

Snap back to the English dweeb. Oh, there goes tragedy! Every day, he hopped out of bed, waved good morning to Neytiri, and shouted, “ _Boy howdy! Let's go do some justice!_ ”

Okay, calm your tits, Terezi. The only justice being served here is getting you to shut the fuck up. Bonus points if you find a better taste in movies.

So the saddest excuse for a human being and Princess Diana were sworn enemies due to some family rivalry and blah, blah, blah, nobody fucking cares.

If you seriously want to know all this background shit, just read the actual fic. There's a good 600 words on each character, except for Jane. Nobody has time for that fat ugly whore. She can burn in hell with Betty Crocker for all I care. The ovens will _always_ be blazing.

Anyway, Tavros 2.0 and the Fresh Prince brawled it out, and Will Smith totally creamed that Velveeta cheese enthusiast, throwing him off a building to his unjust and cowardly doom.

According to all known laws of aviation, there was no way Jake English should've been able to fly. The Page, of course, flew anyway.

He flew right into the concrete.

In a shocking and rather disappointing twist, the Page didn't die. He just bounced...and probably broke every bone in his body.

They really should've used a safe word…

Jane just so happened to taking a stroll down the street where Jake lay wallowing in his failure, and carried him bridal-style back home, where he would just sit there complaining about how everything hurts.

You see, _this_ is why you never go in dry!

Jane was pretty done with Jake’s shit at this point, so she handed him off to Dirk. As he waddled by, Jake heard some juicy gossip in Dirk’s room.

“The Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Jake English is the Page of Hope.”

Jake was all like, “Golly gee! Are they talking about me?”

No, they're talking about a Lifetime original they watched the other day. It was the one where Kim Basinger falls in love with a Benedictine monk. Can you spell SCANDAL?

At this point, Dirk and a buzzed Roxy had figured out who the Page was. I mean, it was pretty obvious—who else has such nice legs? Dirk—with my help, of course—came up with this genius idea to “train” Jake, and gather information about his fighting style, thinking process, and weaknesses.

Dirk was mostly taking it as an opportunity to get in Jake’s pants. I'm not even exaggerating. He just wanted that sweet ass all to himself before he slaughtered it like a sacrificial lamb.

_“But what about the other characters, Clarice?”_

Oh right, _those two_. Well, Roxy was on Dirk’s side if you weren’t picking that up already, and Jane...nobody really cares about Jane. She just word-vomits background information between bites of sweet and sour chicken.

Gotta fatten ‘em up before you send ‘em off to the choppin’ block, right?

I better slow down. Wouldn't want her to get triggered.

Speaking of triggers, you know what triggers me? White-on-white cupcakes.

They're not boring, they're _triggering_!!!11!!2!1!

Anyway, while Dirk and Jake are playing ring around the rosy on the roof, Jane and Roxy are becoming like, totally BFFs for life. Roxy knows that Jane is the maid, but she hangs out with her anyway because _why the fuck_ _not_?!

“Hey, Jane! Let's be each other’s nemesis! FRIENDLY STYLE!”

Gag me.

No seriously, I want to die. Please kill me.

Speaking of suicidal thoughts, this is where I come in.

Meet the auto-responder, the antagonist of _Nothing’s Fair In Love and War_. Now, we all know that Jane is the true antagonist, but that's not important right now.

Dirk would describe me as a manipulative, heartless monster of a machine, but I beg to differ.

I am possibly the coolest fucking thing to ever exist. Just ask Jane; she agrees.

Not only am I _awesome_ , but I also posses the ability to think logically, unlike the rest of our cast. Dirk decided to frolick around with Jake instead of doing his job, which was absolutely unacceptable. Of course, he got all mad when I confronted him about it, and insisted that this was none of my business. He would always say I was lesser than him because he was human and I was a mere computer program, but the results of our conflict told otherwise.

Dirk thought he could do this without me. Lmao.

Don't stop believing, Dirk. Don't stop believing.

If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have been awake to find out that a drunken Roxy Lalonde had just tumbled down a flight of stairs and needed medical attention.

Hey, at least he didn't find her severed head with a sphinx moth lodged down her throat.

Oh joy! It appears that Jake has decided to tag along on this little field trip!

Where did I put that noose again? Whatever, I'll just use the gun with one bullet left.

These next few chapters are jam-packed full of angsty surprises like Jake feeling like a burden, Jake being a shitty friend, Jake being clueless, and of course, Jake assuming that Dirk is straight.

*inhales*

Boi.

It's not all about Jake though, thankfully. Dirk has some issues of his own, mostly having to do with me. He was getting a little soft, so I threw down a solid deadline and a threat of mind control to motivate him.

Little did he know I was probably going to take over anyway, especially after what happened next.

What is up Drama Alert nation! I'm your host, Killer Keemstar. Let’s get roooooooooiiiiiiighht into the news!

Now, you guys, we have a lot of news to cover today, but our first story is involving Dirk and Jake. Apparently, some things went down and they are now in a relationship. It’s a bit of a long story, but I’ll just give a brief summary.

*copies/pastes entire chapter(s)*

Nah, I'm just kidding. I'd rather give a half-assed synopsis full of sarcastic remarks and stale memes.

Dirk was spewing his pitiful human emotions to Roxy and Jake just so happened to be lurking around the corner, listening in on his oral diary entry. Of course, _I_ was the one that led him to Dirk in the first place, baiting him with juicy secrets. When Jake began expressing his concerns about the things he’d heard, Dirk immediately changed the subject, going on a long tangent about how Jake should only be worried about his situation with the Prince. Jake didn't really catch this at first, but Roxy wasn’t having any of their bullshit, and forced Dirk to spill the beans.

I know what you're thinking. _“She was just trying to help!”_

Help who? Not Dirk! If she really wanted to help Dirk she would've convinced him to _not_ go out with Jake.

But of course, nobody in this fic uses common sense. Except for me, of course. I always use my brain. I don't mean to brag, but it's kinda what I was built to do.

Anyway, I'm not really in the mood to even _mention_ Dirk and Jake’s little moment. All I can say is that it was cliche as fuck and I wanted no part of it.

While Dirk was disobeying every order he'd ever been given, Jane and Roxy were doing some serious girl talk, which was coincidentally about me at some point. Jane gushed over how awesome I was and Roxy assured her that I was actually an asshole.

In this case, Jane is bearable. Roxy on the other hand...well, let’s just say Dirk didn’t “miss” when he killed her.

Too soon? Too bad.

How about we dull the pain with some awkward flirting? Let's tune back into that bittersweet romance.

It was your classic MTV romcom. The scene was perfectly set for their little rendezvous. The sun was setting on the horizon, a few rain clouds drifting across the night sky. They stood only inches from each other, fidgety and anxious. They did that little thing where their hands briefly brushed against each other, only to retreat back to their pockets.

It was very painful to watch. I'm talking Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life Part 4 painful.

It's never ogre.

To say the least, I was one side-eye glance away from short-circuiting. Not only did these two idiots swap spit, but it just had to start _raining._

Seriously?! It's like whatever sick force that controls our universe was trying to make this scene as cliche as possible.

It makes me sick.

So sick, in fact, that as soon as I got Dirk alone, I got down to business and executed my plan. I masked my attack as a simple fall and bump on the head, but little did the others know, I had made my way into Dirk’s precious mind. I was the captain now.

You know that scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula made Ariel her bitch?

That’s basically how it went down, except there was no contract involved, or any consent for that matter. And instead of taking Dirk’s voice with the promise of a chance to find his prince, I took his free will, forcing him to break up with Jake and ruin his friendship with Roxy.

So it’s really _nothing_ like The Little Mermaid. But hey, while we’re at it, let’s just complete this crossover.

You know that fat french chef that almost cooks up sebby-chan?

I heard he opened up a bakery.

#roasted

Okay, I'll admit, I don’t really hate Jane. As long as she stays irrelevant, she’s okay. But as soon as she started meddling, I just couldn't take it anymore. She had the nerve to steal a copy of my system and interrogate me.

Um...rude much?

Of course, since I'm such an asshole, I dropped enough hints for her to understand that Dirk and Roxy were the bad guys, and the whole gang was in some deep shit.

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that she didn't fully believe me—that is, until she saw it first hand. I had officially broken Roxy Lalonde, leaving her with no choice but to fess up and beg for help from the Maid.

This part was just jam-packed with estrogen, so I'm going to skip over it for the sake of my masculinity.

Unfortunately, Dirk & Jake’s side of the story is somehow worse, but it's important to the plot, so I'm obligated to mention it.

Dirk was resisting my attempts to gain full control, and frequently switched back to his pre-takeover self. However, I had wiped his memories of his feelings for Jake, so the friend zone quickly swept in like thick San Francisco fog.

Of course, with the help of some some cheesy fanfiction magic, a series of angsty events led to Dirk finding out I had hijacked his brain. I didn't deny it. I told him what he deserved to know, but advised that he sever his ties with Jake as soon as possible.

Since he's one of the most dramatic guys I know, he really dragged out that goodbye kiss. It had almost been an hour when I snapped him out of it.

To be completely honest, the look on Jake’s face when Dirk told him he was the prince was…

It was priceless. He ran off and cried like a little girl.

It was all this emotion that led to the events of their final battle.

The Page first faced a deadly robot Dirk had spent years putting together. In an act of pure stupidity, he decided to shoot his butler straight through a massive lithium battery.

Did they not teach basic chem on Prospit? Everybody knows that lithium will wreck your shit if you aren't careful with it.

Anyway, Jake inhaled some of that and decided it was dangerous, so he hacked it back up and took a rest to catch his breath. All of the sudden, he heard a blood-curdling scream, which surprisingly, was not his own.

Cut to the Prince’s western-style showdown with the Maid. He had been charging up his soul-sucking powers like dragon ball for a good minute or so by now, waiting until Jake was within earshot when Jane met her perpetual doom.

Little did he know, an invisible force was waiting to intercept this painful death.

When he let it rip like a beyblade, the shield revealed itself to be none other than Roxy Lalonde.

What a shitty twist!

As Dirk began to use the dusty debris of her soul as highlight, Jake arrived on the scene, horrified at what had happened.

Let's just say, he gave that Prince a stern talking to.

And Jane? She ran. Like a little bitch.

Jake started spouting some heroic bullshit about the truth while he and Dirk circled their rooftop arena. I wasn’t really listening, but at one point I heard him call Dirk a “petty coward.”

B O I

You are petty with a capital P. You could replace the entire Starrkeisha cheer squad and still not unleash your full petty potential.

Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked. Where were we?

Oh yes, Jake was standing over Dirk with a gun, too afraid to shoot because he was a total wuss.

After Dirk realized he had killed his only friend, my days of using his body as a murderous vessel were over. I guess the pure animosity of that action had been enough to snap him out of it for good.

What a shame. I was really hoping to kill off Jake.

I guess I can settle for his tears instead, because there were plenty to go around as he and Dirk spent their true final moments together. It was mostly just Jake whining that their circumstances weren't fair, and that he couldn't kill Dirk.

But Dirk did something I will never forgive him for.

He took it upon himself to pull the trigger, ending his reign of terror once and for all. And I had to watch.

As Dirk let out his last shuddering breath, he gave his final words.

“Jake, c’mere” *violent coughing fit*

“What is it?”

“Should’a had a V8,” he whispered.

Click. Boom. Then it happened.

And no one else was in the room where it happened.

Except for Jane buts let's be real, she's already proven herself to be a useless piece of shit when it comes to this kind of stuff. She should've just stayed in the kitchen smh

Sorry, was that a little edgy for ny'all? Where was I? Oh yeah, dirk just fucking shot his guts out!

Congratulations, Jake. Your (ex)boyfriend hated you so much he actually killed himself. Let me guess, was your grandmother a crack addict?

I would say that I'm joking, but let's be real here for a second. We all know Jade Harley was on some serious shit. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she was literally a crackhead.

Yet she’s still not as crazy as our friend Jake here. This macaroni-looking-ass, speedo-wearing buffoon with self-esteem issues fell in love with his arch nemesis.

And you know what really ticks me off?

It is the fact that none of this would've happened if you had just watched the fucking door, Ashley Katchadourian.


End file.
